It's Been A While...

Once a year.. Hard to believe that it's been almost that long since I took the time to sit at a keyboard and pound out various thoughts of mine. There was a time when, if I had kept my thoughts and feelings bottled up within myself so long... I may have just about gone crazy. Somehow, through all of the changes and stresses of the past year, I've been able to keep my sanity, if nothing else.

Seems like yesterday that I was given a note that I'd be spending two months in San Ramon, California, doing a job which, for all intents and purposes, seemed to be a demotion from what I had been doing the past couple of years. Seems like I was just on that plane to Oakland, whisked away to a far off place at the whim of someone whose face lay beyond a veil of secrecy in the name of making our jobs better and lives easier. I look back at that time, that turbulent month... I look back on them without distinct memories of the times I spent wondering why and desiring to go home. I look back on them and reflect on the people I met, the scenery I was able to enjoy, and my own realization of how much I missed... people.

i look back on the time since... The days spent working late hours in preparation for the many upcoming changes and projects. I look at those months of exhaustion now, realizing that it's all passed by. I learned much about my own ability to persevere through adverse situations and manage under pressure. It wasn't always pretty, and there are many things that I look back upon knowing now how I could have improved, but I made it. I survived it all.

Through our experiences we learn lessons to hold on to and use for the future. There's still two months left in this year, and I've learned quite a few things to take with me... Things to grow upon. I realized that I can't do it alone, no matter how much I've tried to. For quite some time now, I've been afraid to open up to many people. I've had feelings of mistrust and doubt toward even some of my closest friends, yet I've come to see that I would be absolutely miserable without them (or without people in general for that matter). I know that one of these days, I'll have to learn to allow people in without constantly questioning them, as I used to be able to. Maybe that's one of the things I'll work on over the next year...

I also need to work on self-motivation and energy... I've lost those things somewhere along the way. Every day seems to drag and wear me down even more than the day before. I'm not quite sure how to get those things back, but I'll figure that out too...

Another year of growth and learning more about life, the world, and, most importantly, myself... Hopefully I'm blessed with another, because there's so much more to learn and do. I feel like I'm almost back to myself, or, at least, I know somewhat how to get there. I'll get there one of these days... I'll get there...